Mourning the loss of what never was….

“Placing my head on my knees, I let the irrational tears fall unrestrained. I am crying over the loss of something I never had. How ridiculous. Mourning something that never was- my dashed hopes, my dashed dreams, and my soured expectations.”

I am pretty sure that there are quite a few of us out there that know exactly what that feels like. You meet someone, everything seems to be going good, you’re happy, you think they’re happy, you think that its going somewhere and eventually it’ll be more but then it happens… its over, its done, now you’re just left with a million questions, a bunch of what ifs, and doubts, and just overall confusion. How could something that seemed like it actually meant something now be nothing. And no matter how much you try not to think about it, you can’t help but replay moments back in your head and try to figure out where it went wrong. What could you have done differently, what could you have said differently? How could the other person just walk away so easily without a care, without no regard to how it makes you feel? How could one moment they like you and then next its as if you don’t even exist? Why do people constantly hurt others like that, why is it so hard to be honest and upfront and not build someone up into believing that there is a possibility of more, when that intention was never there or the intention was gone long before the words were even spoken?

I want to be like the other person, I want to walk away and feel nothing, go on and not for one second stop and wonder why… How do you do that? How do you learn to not feel, to not care, to not question.. Why does one person always have the upper hand…
I wasn’t in love, not even close to it, but I can’t seem to get over the hurt, the sadness, the feeling of being used. I’m happy and sad and angry all at the same time. I should have listened to my gut, I shouldn’t have brushed off the red flags, but I fell for words and disregarded actions. Had I listened to what my little voice was telling me, I wouldn’t be feeling this way, I would have just walked away fine but it wasn’t like that. I chose to believe him when he said he liked me, he liked “us” I stupidly put myself in this position and now here I sit… mourning what was never mine and didn’t exist in the first place.

Dear whoever you might be….

Day 30.   Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say

So, today is my final day of the 30 day blog challenge and yes I skipped quite a few days but decided to end it anyway 🙂 day 30 says to write a letter to your future mate, well since I love music I’ll do it with a song I love. Its called “To Whom it may concern” by the Civil Wars. This is for you, whoever you may be 😉 xoxo

Why are you so far from me?/ In my arms is where you ought to be/ How long will you make me wait?/ I don’t know how much more I can take/ I’ve missed you/ But I haven’t met you/ Oh, but I want to/How I do/ Slowly counting down the days/ ‘Til I finally know your name/ The way your hand feels ’round my waist/ The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste/ I’ve missed you/ But I haven’t met you/ Oh, but I want to/How I do/ I’ve missed you/ But I haven’t met you/ Oh, how I miss you/ But I haven’t met you/ Oh, but I want to…

Dear whoever you might be…. I’m still waiting patiently…

Breakups stink….

Day 20: Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it

Some may think that my most difficult break was with my son’s father because of the fact that we had a child together and its usually harder when there are kids involved, separating a family etc… But to be completely honest, making the decision to end things was one of the easiest I ever made. We weren’t in love and honestly I don’t think we ever were, yes we loved each other but to say we were “IN LOVE”, that kind of love wasn’t there. We both knew it and were thinking it but I said it. And so it happened. But this isn’t about one of my easiest breakups….

My most difficult breakup happened years ago when I was 22yrs old. I had met him at the end of 2001, and by the end of summer 2002, we were engaged. He was the guy I had fallen head over heels in love with and couldn’t have pictured my life without him in it. He was everything I had always wanted, or so I thought. We had our little issues like everybody else, we’d argue but then talk it out and be okay. But as the months and years passed by, I started to notice certain behaviors but would just brush them off and pretend everything was okay. I loved him and we were going to get married and to me that’s all that mattered. I was even told a couple times of lies he had told me and deep down inside I knew they were true, I felt he wasn’t being truthful to me but I didn’t want to admit it. So I went along with his side of his “truth” even though I knew better. We had plans to move to Arizona and start our family over there. Arizona and the wedding never happened… Our wedding was to July 2005 but in March 2005 all my dreams were shattered. Not just my heart broke but I broke entirely. Everything hurt, at first I couldn’t even cry, it was a numbing pain. The person who I thought I knew, who I was going to be spending the rest of my life, who I was going to be moving away from my family with… Was someone I never even knew! He had been lying our entire relationship, even before our engagement. The things I was told could only come from a movie, only a horrible heartless person would do the things he was doing behind my back. I was never the same after that night. I became someone I didn’t even recognize, I was numb, I was dead inside, he broke me in ways I can’t even explain and when I finally cried, I couldn’t stop…

The lesson I learned from it all didn’t happen until sometime after, it’s a lesson I learned the hard way and one that I’ll never forget…

Day 13: Describe How You Met the Last Person You Texted & Talk About Your Relationship

The person I texted is a close friend who I care a lot about. We’ll call him “J”. I don’t exactly remember when and how we met (sad I know haha) but it was back in 1998, my junior year in high school. Back then I remember he was really sweet, at least to me he was. We ended up dating for a little bit but now looking back, I don’t even consider it dating, it was something so innocent. It is a sweet memory though. Whenever I hear Elvis Crespo, I can’t help but smile, his music always take me back to my junior year (“J” would sing to me over the phone lol). I ended up moving away that year during the summer, down to Florida, and we ended up losing touch. Years later, no lie, it was literally like 2 years ago that we got back in touch and since then our friendship has grown. Talking with him was so easy, from the first conversation you would never have thought we hadn’t talked in years. I trust him even with my deepest darkest secrets haha. I know I can talk to him about anything and whenever I need some advice, I know I can trust him to tell me things how they is. He doesn’t sugarcoat things for me. And I like that. Even though we haven’t seen each other since 99’, it’s as if we never lost touch. I love his sarcastic humor and his craziness, he’s one of the funniest people I know. Hopefully we’ll be able to see each other again soon face to face. Looking back, I never would have thought “J” would be someone I’d care so much about. They say that guys and girls can never really be friends, but I don’t believe that. He’s one of my best friends and I wouldn’t trade our relationship for anything. ❤

Day 9 & 11. Weird behavior- Worst/Most embarrassing Date

   Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior”  and Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date

For this post I will be combining two days into one since I’m a bit behind.  🙂  Day 9 asks what is my favorite “weird/funny single behavior” and day 11 asks what is your “worst/funniest/most embarrassing date”. I’m skipping day 10 because I have no clue what the meaning of my name is and for years I have searched with no luck.  

Day 9. – I don’t think that I have any real behavior that I do exclusively as a single person. I have little quirks and stuff that I enjoy doing but I tend to also do those when I’m in a relationship. One of things that I love doing is dancing around the house, it tends to be more goofy style dancing and not so much “real” dancing. I crazy dance so much that I sometimes wonder if when I’m out I’ll actually remember how to dance haha.

Day 10. – My worst/funniest/most embarrassing date? Hmmm… I don’t date much and can’t even remember the last time I went on a date, but there are always those dates that just can’t be forgotten. I’m sure we’ve all had them. From the guy who just focuses on your body and continues to emphasize how “beautiful” your butt is and how your face is just pretty to the guy who spends all night talking about his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, I had those guys. But when it comes to bad dates, I can’t help but remember one of my very first dates I ever had in my life, the one that takes the award for worst date ever. It was the guy who after being such a gentleman, decided he wanted to have sex and was going to try regardless of me saying no. After trying to force himself on me and not getting anywhere, he finally takes me home but drops me off down the street, and I had to walk the rest of the way in the pouring rain. Needless to say, that was the last time I saw that guy. As far as most embarrassing dates, I can only think of one, this one time we decided to go bowling but never even made it to the counter because Mother Nature decided to make a surprise visit hahaha. We ended up going to Walmart instead to buy feminine products. I’d say that takes the cake on embarrassing. 🙂

Day 8. Five things that are most important to me in a future mate.

 Five things that are most important to me in a mate? This is something that I have put a lot of thought into during the last few years. It is easier to say it in my head than to actually put my “list” into words. But since it is only a list of five things here goes:

1). I want my future mate to have a relationship with God. I want someone who could bring me closer to God and our relationship always be God-Centered. ❤

2). My Future mate needs to love and embrace the fact that he’s getting a package deal with me, a two for one 🙂 .  He needs to love my son as if he were his own and if we have future children together, treat mine no different. I’m not looking for someone to be my son’s father, but he will need to treat him as if he were, if that makes sense 🙂

3). He definitely needs to have a sense of humor with a little or a lot of sarcasm. I love to laugh, play around and just have fun. I can be a huge dork and somewhat of a goofball, so I’ll need my future mate to not find it weird and be able to laugh with me.

4). Family oriented. I love family time and want someone who is close to their family and someday wants a family of his own.

5). A good person. I want my future mate to care about others, someone who has a good heart.

So there you have it, the five things that are most important to me in a future mate. Of course there are many more things, pretty obvious ones but these are the ones that are important to me. If one of these are lacking then most likely I’ll keep it moving 🙂

Day 7. Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

 

I just turned 31 years old a couple weeks ago and to be completely honest, it was a pretty depressing birthday. It hit me harder than when I turned 30. I couldn’t believe that I was actually 31. I reflected a lot that day and just thought about how nothing has happened in the way that I had planned. When I was younger I had this perfect plan for my life, I would go to school, become a nurse or a social worker, I liked both and wasn’t sure yet, I wanted to get married by the time I was 22, own a home, have my first baby by 24 and by 30 already have 3 kids. But somewhere along the path of this yellow brick road called life, I took a left turn and that whole wonderful picture perfect plan got completely destroyed…

I got engaged when I was 19 years old (that story is for another post) but by 22, I was single again, and the plan that I had so perfectly thought out, was no more. I was angry and so many times I would question God and would ask him “what was so wrong with my plan? Why couldn’t he just go along with MY plans? It was a good one!”  But as the years have gone by, I have come to terms with the fact that life doesn’t happen in the way that I plan it, we don’t have the slightest clue as to how life will turn out regardless of all the planning that we make, because in the end everything happens in accordance to God’s plan… So here I am 31 years old, a single mom to the most amazing awesomest 4 year old little boy, I’m one semester away from FINALLY getting my bachelors, and without a place of my own yet, but I have hope that the plan that God has for me is a good one and that all the detours that have occurred along the way were all worth it. ❤

 

Day 6: Sound off on the Quote, “Every Woman Has the Exact Love Life She Wants”

“Every woman has the exact love life she wants.”

This quote was in the movie “The Wedding Date” and it is the topic question for today’s post.

Does every woman have the exact love life she wants? I think that this statement is mostly true, but certainly not for all. I am single because, basically, I choose to be. I have gone out on a few dates, and have met some really nice guys as well as a few not so nice ones. After all was said and done, I chose to stay single, to not venture out into the dating world, to not make time for anyone else but myself and my son. And honestly, at this point in my life, I like the fact that I don’t have to check-in with anybody, say where I’m going and what I’m doing, I like to be able to do what I want, when I want (not that I do much thanks to school haha) and lastly, I LOVE the fact that if I have a night off from class work, I can lounge around looking as bummy and crazy as I want and it doesn’t matter. 🙂

Eventually, I’ll want to make the time for someone else in my son and I’s life but for now this non-existent love life is what choose 🙂

Day 4. Your Biggest Fear as a Single Person…

  Today’s question is not the easiest to answer: “your biggest fear as a single person?” My biggest fear? Well, when I sit down and think about what I fear most about being single, the first thing that comes to mind is not being able to give my son the chance of a family. I know that he and I are a family and we are perfect, but he always says how he wants a sibling. As time goes by I fear that I may never make that possible for him or for me because I’d love to be able have another child one day.

The second thing that comes to mind when I think about what I fear most would have to be the idea of growing old alone and never meeting “the one”… I fear never knowing what real love feels like….

Day 2: “Describe a Moment When Being Single Really Sucked”

 As the years pass I don’t feel that being single is so bad, the majority of the time I’m okay that it is just my son and I. But then there are those moments that no matter what is going on and how good I’m feeling, I can’t help but feel this immense loneliness. Holidays for me do a great job of reminding me that I am alone. I love Christmas, I think it’s a very a romantic holiday and for the last three years, I have wished I had someone to share it with. But since I do not, I look forward to all those lovey dovey Christmas movies. Also, being single sucks during those moments when my son is sleeping and I’m just sitting on my couch, alone. I sometimes get this feeling that it would be nice to have someone to talk to, laugh with, watch a movie with, and just someone to be there and share my life with.

I enjoy my “me” time but sometimes, in the middle of my busy schedule, it wouldn’t be so bad to have someone to love and miss….